Sunday, January 01, 2006 @ 1:09 AM
they took away the life support machine.
and he slipped away.
it was 11.13 am when he died, and we all cried. all his sons and daughters and in-laws cried. i was the only grandchild that cried. probably because i was the older one.
i cried, not because of his death actually, but because of my aunts and my mum.
they wailed and mourned. so badly, i couldn't bear to see them so sad, i cried. three or four times i've cried, i think.
before i realised, i was missing service and dmm.
and before i realised, i was attending a taoist funeral.
and panicked. i didn't know what to do. i dialed siew luan's number. called, rang, no answer. i dialed again. it's the same. i was fed up. i called up krisstle, dawn, bao and even gideon. no one picked up. i cried to God, please don't do this to me God. i need to talk. i don't want to upset You.
i called weilun and finally he picked up. i asked him to pass the phone to siewluan, and she answered. and she called me. and i told her my mum asked me to change into the funeral clothings, was that okay? i really didn't want to...
and i sobbed.
i told her my mum wants me to draw something on the offering to my grandpa. i really don't want to. i don't want to bow down before him either. i don't want to do anything to hurt God.
luan told me that it's not the actions that God looks at, but the heart. if possible, of course, don't do any of that. but if they insist, then we have no choice.
i hung up and my mum asked me to draw. the moment i took up the pen, i started crying very badly, even more badly when i saw my mum mourning for my grandpa. i cried and draw at the same time, so loud, so badly. my mum and my aunts saw me crying, and realized how much i really wanted to respect grandpa, but couldn't because of my faith in Him.
they allowed me to sit when we need to kneel, and i didn't need to burn the joss stick or burn the hell notes.
when they began kneeling before my grandpa's coffin, i sat on the ground and starting singing "voice of hope" softly to God.
and through the storms, yet i will praise You
despite it all, yet i will sing
through good or bad, yet i will worship
for You remain the same, King of Kings
yes, it's true. through everything that i faced, i will worship and praise and sing to Him- for He is the One. i cried.
my aunt even came up to me after the kneeling and encouraged me, telling me it was okay and that i didn't need to cry. because it's the thought that counts, not the actions.
Hallelujah. thank you God.
and i didn't cry for my grandpa's death at all. i was convicted, no, i still am, that he had received salvation that day when we prayed for him. i have this great sense of assurance from Him that he was saved. (:
and oddly- my relationship with my dad and relatives became closer today.
after all the cries and everything- we starting jokin and talking around. we started to feel better about his death. and we got closer and we talked more. my aunts accepted me and my believe, and all started to encourage me, saying it was okay that i didn't bow before my grandpa, that they understood.
im amazed, Lord, im amazed.
and while speaking to them, the Lord spoke to me.
bring them to me.
that was what He said.
and i believed that was my grandpa's wish to.
and i believe, that somehow, i can make it.
i will make it.